Problem: A good reputation takes years to build, but only a moment to destroy.
Solution: Think about how you want to be remembered before taking any action, especially one that could jeopardize your good name.
***
I was walking to dinner alone recently when I saw someone down the street with a small bag of garbage in his hand. I was curious about what he was up to, so I stood and watched for a moment. As cars drove past him, he’d look one way and then the next. Finally, the street was silent. He must have been waiting for that moment because just then he looked both ways and quickly tossed his bag of garbage into the bushes and went on about his day.
He must’ve known he was doing something wrong because he was being extra cautious about it. He also didn’t seem swayed by the fact that there was a trash can just two blocks down. If he’d seen me watching, I’m sure he would have thought twice or looked for another place to dump his trash.
He was dressed nicely and well groomed. I was puzzled by the combination. When you think of someone so inconsiderate like that, you don’t always dress them up in nice clothes and give them a handsome mug, right? At least I don’t.
I imagine Mr. Trashman went on about his day and probably never thought about the mess he left again. Unfortunate, but life goes on.
Look at any disgraced politician and it’s readily apparent how quickly one little transgression can spoil years of important work and goodwill. That’s certainly something to keep in mind when you think about your reputation. It has influenced my own decisions on more than one occasion.
You can build a thousand bridges and commit one sin. You won’t be remembered as a bridge builder.
All the same, I don’t necessarily think that Mr. Trashman is just a “bad guy” in the same way that I don’t think anyone else with one bad quality among many good ones is.
Besides, who am I to judge? I watched him do it and said nothing. Worse yet, I walked by his trash and didn’t pick it up. I’m no saint.
I hate to think I could make one mistake in my life that defines me above all else that I try to accomplish, but the truth is that it could happen. So, I hold that duality in my mind at every action I take, understanding that mistakes are often heralded over accomplishments but also realizing the only way to change that is to practice forgiveness and look for the good qualities in others instead of the bad.
Play loose with your own reputation and you run the risk of losing it. Play loose with someone else’s and you risk perpetuating the nasty habit we have of looking for something to hate.
Keep these things in mind as you navigate the waterways of life, and perhaps you’ll find the private and public you start to converge more and more. If they don’t right now, perhaps you’ll begin to find ways to bring them together and actually become the person you show to the rest of the world
Start by asking yourself, “Who am I when no one is looking?”
~~~~~
For more on being a good person, read this article from Chris Guillebeau.
By the way, my friend Matt Frazier just released his guide for running a half-marathon. I’ve been using his full-marathon guide to improve my own techniques and have found it super helpful. I’m not affiliated with this product, I just think it’s really good and wanted to tell you about it because there are a lot of runners here at AR.
Image by: honor the gift
That’s a question I want to make sure my kids think about as they are growing up. There are certain things that “my dad always said.” That is going to be one of the things their “dad always said.”
And they won’t appreciate it until they’re adults. That’s something *my* dad always said…
Back in the day, getting caught puffing a doob was considered a lifelong disaster. Now (evidently), at least 2, maybe 3 presidents have done enough blow to anesthetize a kraken. 30 years from now, 40 million people with naked drunk pictures on Facebook are prolly just gonna laff about it.
Sure, there are all kinds of things that become more socially acceptable over time, but it’s still good to remember that your reputation is fragile and it’s worth protecting.
Sometimes I suspect I’m a better person privately than I am publicly. On the one hand, I feel good about the fact that I’m not putting on airs of “false goodness” and being privately contrary. On the other hand, why am I actually HIDING being as good as I know I am? Strange indeed…
Yes, that’s a mismatch in the opposite direction than most people go, but perhaps it’s a product of your environment? Are you around a lot of people that like to show off a colder personality?
Opportunists Tyler, I think I might be around a lot of opportunists who, uh, might not have much integrity which in turn causes me to be a bit guarded and less “good”. I hate to judge them that way, but let’s just say I’m in search of a more generally conscientious, thoughtful community like the people who show up here who share my intentions and will challenge the status quo as opposed to resorting to pettiness.
I heard a story about this one time…a guy on a job interview put extra condiments under his plate so as not to have to pay for them…he didn’t get the job…
Now that’s just petty…
This is definitely something to think about. As a teacher, I have a bunch of eyes on me all day. I remind myself that someone is always looking and I need to act accordingly. I think in the situation of Mr. Trashman, if we find ourselves looking around for witnesses before we commit a random act of “crappiness” then that act should not be followed through with.
That’s usually a pretty good sign that we’re doing something wrong, isn’t it? What is it then, that compels us to go through with it even though we know, without doubt, that it’s the wrong thing to do.
The other week in the ED I had a patient who was a homeless guy who the victim of a hit and run driver – it was some blond woman in a Mercedes who thought she could get away with it and just took off. Even though people witnessed it she probably felt anonymous because she was in her car. It blows me away sometimes the things people feel ok doing, and I agree that how someone acts even when they won’t get “caught” is a good judge of what kind of person they are.
That’s a really upsetting story, Elana. Did the driver get caught?
Hey Tyler – Unfortunately, no, but the patient was A okay, which is what counts. Was discouraging to see that someone could do that, although I think that sort of stuff is more the exception than the rule.
Really does make you think. And sometimes I agree with Desiree, not because I think I’m a saint but because I run a charitable organization I started from passion, truth and honesty. What I found is that it must be approached as a business or nobody will care. People don’t know how to trust and I don’t blame them but because of this a lot of the proceeds that should be going to those we’re trying to help is going to lawyers, the government and advertising. When no one is watching I contact those we’re helping to see what else we can do or even just to help them learn English. When I tell others what we do it sounds like a sales pitch but when we pay for “real” advertising it’s trustworthy.
That’s really interesting, Tory. Do you feel like doing the “real business” stuff that makes your donors take you more seriously is something bad, or is it just something you’d rather not be doing because it takes away from the work you can be doing for the people that actually need it?
Is there another way you could prove your legitimacy to your donors that’s more cost effective?
Tyler: great post, again (I’d love to know when you write these, and what your writing habits are – you produce such great work!).
In private … well, I pick my nose. I don’t wash my hands all the time. I’m lazier than I’d like to be…. the list goes on and on. In some regards, being private is okay, because it lets you just be regular.
But when dissonance happens – when the person we project or pretend to be is vastly different from the person we are in private, that’s when it becomes a question of integrity. And ultimately we have to be honest with ourselves – because the guy who’s dumping trash is just lying to himself, not everyone else.
It works in reverse, too: sometimes the most wonderful people hide their true colors by feeling a pressure or need to conform. There is beauty in being yourself; or at least, there is feedback in being yourself (and if you suck, you’ll get more honest feedback).
Thanks for the reminder to be more honest with myself about myself – and to bring that to the forefront.
That’s a good distinction, Sarah. There are little things we all do in private that we don’t show to the public, and that’s totally okay–they’re victimless actions.
When what we do in private hurts others and starkly contrasts how we want people to see us in public, that’s when it’s time to sit down and really evaluate who you are.
Sarah, You really hit the nail on the head for me with your comment about wonderful people hiding their true colours.
I just got off the phone with a friend where we talked about how both of us are in the process of coming to terms with old parts of ourselves we’ve lost/ignored/stifled for years in the name of what other people felt was a better or “right” for us. We’re two wonderful people who’ve been living a half life and now we’re asking ourselves, “OMG how did this happen?!?” We reconnected a month ago after 20 years and suddenly we are both coming into a phase where we’re at our most productive and creative we’ve ever been because we’re finally being honest with ourselves about what does and doesn’t work for our lives.
I am far lazier than I’d like to admit. As for things my dad always said, my dad taught me never to lose my good name for money, but I extrapolate that out to not doing anything that would damage your reputation. If you have to stop and ask yourself whether you should do something because you feel uneasy about it, then the answer is no.
Knowing yourself and what is/isn’t an authentic action for you makes it easier to see ahead of time how your behavior will fit into who you want to be.
I think whether you think short or long term makes a big difference. I’m a long term thinker. I usually think in big steps which makes certain actions hard to justify and others not a big deal.
When in doubt, long term is probably the best planning strategy. It completely changes the rationality of a decision.
[...] there all weekend, get drunk and watch bad movies…! I’d also capitulated to the persuasive Tyler T to attend volunteer duties on Sunday. That was the worst part…! Relegated to volunteer [...]
Hey Tyler,
I really liked this post. It reminds me of the old adage ‘be the person your dog thinks you are.’
I actually don’t like driving much anymore because it brings up old behaviors that remind me of things I used to do and the person I used to be. I prefer to bike now so that I don’t fall into those traps. As time passes, I’ve mellowed behind the wheel, but I catch myself still being an asshole for no good reason. I want to be known for being a kind, positive person in every situation, including while driving.
Thanks for the reminder. Awesome hanging out last weekend too!
That’s interesting, Brandon, that you avoid certain physical situations that remind you of pas experiences. I suspect it’s not all that uncommon, though.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they act when they aren’t being held accountable. The same goes for good deeds. If someone does something nice and doesn’t need to take credit for it, it somehow makes the deed seem that much more noble.
I think another lesson we can take from this is that we all have our “bad moments” every now and then. I don’t think it’s fair when people just focus on these moments. Perhaps if we could see times when we were like Mr. Trashman, we could be a bit more forgiving of others. That’s not to say that what he did wasn’t wrong, or that he shouldn’t be responsible – but none of us are perfect.
Good story Tyler…I’m sure Anthony Weiner was somewhere in the back of your mind during this post.
I actually wrote this article before that whole scandal broke, but now that it has, it’s all the more relevant, isn’t it?
I always think of that scene in the Matrix where Neo is alone in the white “loading area”.
He could do whatever he wants and no one would ever notice. I like to think of myself in that situation.
I think it’s important to remember that your eyes are the only ones that need to be watching. Mr Trashman should be responsible enough to know that what he’s doing is wrong-obviously.
My point is that even when we’re alone-we have to live up to our own standards. Regardless of what other people think. We should also listen to those we respect… like You:D
Great post Tyler
-Armi
What I find interesting is that, when left alone in our own spaces, I think we usually do the right thing, but once others are involved and there’s a level of shared ownership, we generally start to take less responsibility for our own actions. It’s a strange phenomenon, but I’ve caught myself doing it.
Tyler!
Good post! Reminds of a similar example. Sometimes when paying a bill in a restaurant, the waiter brings back the wrong amount of change. Do we act differently if we are shortchanged versus if we receive more than we are due? I fix the mistake whether it’s in my favor or not but it can be tempting to think “hey, free money!”
Nice to see you at WDS!!
Kurt
It was great to meet you too, Kurt.
The restaurant scenario is a great way to illustrate the point in a way that most people have probably experienced at some point. How do we behave in that situation? The problem remains the same no matter what side of the coin you’re on: the change is wrong. But, does your reaction remain the same as well?
My mom’s fond of saying “there’s always someone watching”. I think it’s true but not quite in the way she means – I’m always watching myself, and surely my own opinion of my behaviour is more important that anyone else’s?
They say (I think it might have been Gretchen Rubin who said this, actually) that the way to boost your self-esteem is not to have others tell you how great you are, or even to tell yourself, but to act in ways that you can be proud of. I try to remember that.
All that said, I do agree that reputations are valuable and fragile, especially in business. My opinion of myself might be the most important, but others’ aren’t irrelevant, especially if I want to, you know, have friends, not to mention clients and collaborators
Doing the “right thing” regardless who’s watching can definitely have a profound effect on how you feel about yourself. And, how you feel about yourself can also have a profound effect on how others feel about you.
“Some times the best way to see a person is not looking at them”
This is a quote I truly believe in, but people are always LOOKING and TALKING. What you think may not get out, will. I always try to be mindful and conscious of what I am doing because we all have a personal brand. I don’t want my brand to be tarnished by being careless. Nice post!
A reputation takes years to build and only moments to destroy. If you have to ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” then the answer is probably “no” most of the time.
[...] people think about you. It matters what you think about yourself. When you look in the mirror, who is there, looking back at [...]
Well said, Tyler. For the last few years I’ve been striving to live my life in such a way that I wouldn’t be ashamed or embarrassed if every little detail was to be made public. Not easy, but it’s worth thinking about.
I’m no saint either, but I do pick up other people’s trash on occasion, especially when there’s a trashcan nearby. I get some strange looks doing that, but it makes me feel good. Every little helps.
You know who’s there when no one is looking? I am. And I like to be able to look myself in the eye when I pass a mirror.
The “mirror test” is usually a pretty good indicator.
I’m really enjoying this question. Who am I when nobody is looking?
My parents have always taught me to think this way. It’s something I’ve asked myself often – and received different answers often too. Sometimes the answer has come back negative and sometimes positive. Sometimes I’ve enjoyed who looks back at the mirror at me – and sometimes disgusted.
What’s been important for me has been to forgive myself – and realize that I make mistakes, and move on. To be filled with integrity – and be the same person on the inside as out.
I like the overall message of this article, but I can’t help but scratch my head when I take a look at someone like Tucker Max who’s achieved tremendous online and offline success by blogging about anal and midget sex…