I was in the car with a friend the other day.
We were driving to dinner and talking about life. I like to ask people hard questions—”What do you really want from your life?” and “How do you know it’s the right answer?”
She was telling me about the things she dreamed of for herself and her career and what she was doing to make them happen. I could see she was excited to think about these things; her voice got a little higher, and she started to talk faster as she described her ideal life and what it looked like.
But then something interrupted her thoughts, and her story trailed off. She slowed back down and her voice dropped a little. It was like she’d fallen back to reality—out of her dream—and she finished with a bit of a shrug and said, “But I’m just a waitress.”
Maybe you’ve experienced something like this? Where you let yourself dream about life and what you want to carry out in your short time here before falling back to “reality.”
It’s exciting to think about, but once you let yourself get too far away from where you feel you are now, it gets a little scary and you do something to bring yourself back down. You kill the dream.
Don’t kill the dream!
My friend is much more than “just a waitress.” She’s talented and capable in many ways—a truly wonderful person. And you’re much more than “just a [insert dream-zapping phrase here].”
You’re an incredible person, capable of great things. I don’t know you, but I know that much is true.
But the question is, do you believe it?
How a Belief Becomes Reality
One of my favorite quotes of all time comes from Henry Ford:
“Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right!”
What he meant is that anyone—given the right mindset—can accomplish almost anything.
We’re each more naturally suited for certain things, but if you set your mind to something and believe you’re capable of it, you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen.
On the same token, if you don’t believe in yourself, no amount of hard work or will power will ever get you where you want to be because the little bit of doubt you hold on to will keep you from finishing the job.
The beliefs you keep of yourself, for better or worse, tend to be self-fulfilling prophesies.
Something you truly believe is something you’ll spend your time thinking about. And something you spend your time thinking about will get more attention from you in your daily life. Something that gets more attention gets nurtured, and something that gets nurtured grows stronger until it’s the truth… even if it’s a lie.
Your mind is a very funny thing. Once you’ve made up your mind about something, it’s very hard to change it. This isn’t because you have unfaltering evidence that you know the truth. It’s because, with the limited mental resources you have, it becomes exhausting to reconsider a belief over and over again.
Your most ingrained beliefs about yourself are really an act of self-preservation. They allow you to be lazy. Once you “know” something about yourself, you can move on to thinking about other things. No need to waste precious brain juice on something you’ve already made a decision about.
And once you’ve decided something, you’ll begin to look at the world differently. You’ll actively look for things and information that support your belief and quickly ignore or discount information that contradicts it.
This is called confirmation bias. It’s how people come to believe conspiracy theories, make judgments about other people, and it even has an effect on science and how we look at the world.
This is powerful stuff!
The Power of Marching to Your Own Drum
I sometimes wonder if what I’m doing here at Advanced Riskology is valuable and if people really care about it or find it useful. This usually happens when I have a bad month in traffic or if I lose some subscribers or an article I like doesn’t get many comments.
When I notice myself doubting my work for too many days in a row, I have to take some kind of action to get things back on track. I have to remind myself that if I think what I’m doing is important, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.
At the end of the day, if I’m happy and no one else is hurt as a result, then that day should be considered a success.
This is called cultivating an “internal locus of control.” That’s a fancy way of saying that you do things because you think they’re right, not because you expect other people to applaud you for it (external locus of control).
Writing an article like this is a good exercise in building my own internal locus of control. With two years of writing under my belt now, I have a pretty good idea of what types of articles and headlines and whatnot will become popular and what types won’t.
If I felt like the most important thing to do right now is to get more people to come visit AR, I could write an article on “29 Ways to Build a Popular Blog and Make Money Online.” A title like that would almost certainly bring lots of traffic even if the article itself were garbage.
But, instead, today I feel like this is the message I need to share—that doing what’s right because you think it’s right is, at the end of the day, far more important than satisfying anyone else’s expectations.
This essay likely won’t be very “popular.” It’s too long and it’s not very sensational. Few people will read it. It won’t get shared much and, soon enough, it will fall into obscurity in the article archive, only to be dug up occasionally by a raving fan of the site or a passing stranger.
Yet, I’m writing it anyway because I believe that the few people who do read it will find it tremendously useful.
Allowing myself to believe I’m capable of more than I once thought I was is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. No, I don’t always succeed at what I set out to do. Not every arrow hits its mark, and not every shot is a slam-dunk.
More importantly, though, not every missed shot is a confirmation of what I really believe—that I can’t actually do what I want with my life. Instead, it’s an anomaly that I quickly put behind me before moving to the next big challenge.
That one little shift has made a big difference in my life.
And the funny thing about marching to the beat of your own drum is that when you do something unpopular simply because you think it’s the right thing to do, it usually starts to be become popular.
Why? Because most people have an external locus of control, and are quick to take their cues on “what’s right” from someone who’s taking the lead.
The Final Word: No, You’re Not Just A Waitress (As if There Were Anything Wrong With That)
What you allow yourself to believe will have far more impact on your life than what is or is not actually true. And the actions you take will be directly related to these beliefs.
So, the next time you find yourself dreaming about what you want from life, never cut yourself short. See what you want right in front of you, and then let yourself imagine that it’s already true.
Eventually, you’ll have to open your eyes and get to work. But don’t rush it.
Don’t kill the dream!
If there’s anything I could have said to my friend when she told me she’s “just a waitress,” it would have been this:
You are not *just* a waitress. You are *a* waitress, and a very good one. You’re also many other things. And, in your life, you will be even more things than those. To be more than just a waitress in your own mind, all you have to do is stop saying it. Once you do, you’ll also stop believing it.
And the moment you stop believing you aren’t more is the moment you’ll become it.
I believe in you. Do you believe in yourself?
—
Image by : passiveaggressivenotes
Great message. I find this article very useful Tyler. This is what people need to hear.
Thanks!
Aitch
You might just be one of the coolest people I’ve never met. You’re always spot on and I wish I knew you personally so that I could take you to coffee and just listen to you ALL DAY LONG. Thanks for this article.
I’m totally with you on this one Krista!
Beautiful affirmation, thank you!
We are not “just” anything, we simply are all that we allow ourselves to be…some days in my life that is empowered, emboldened, magical…some days that is one who breathes in fresh air and quietly creates..
We create our own music, and when we are “true to the melody of our soul” we create beautiful harmony with others…sometimes especially because we are creating in our unique way and combining that individual talent creates the most beautiful symphony
It took me much of my life to discover this, and messages such as yours are wonderful to affirm it!
This actually had some really cool stuff to say. I really don’t care for the “29 ways to…” so and so. It’d be fine if you wrote that somewhere else, but if you’d written that here, I’d think a lot less of this blog.
I like this because I and many people are in that position themselves, that feel like they’re stuck in a rut, but do have a dream and want to get out.
Tyler, thank you for the constant inspiration. After many years in the workplace, I am currently caregiving for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. After this journey is over, I’m not sure what I’ll do, but your writings keep me going each day. You make me think about what I’m going to do next. Seriously: Thank you.
Yeah! Beating the odds takes beating the odds within the mind first. Then the outside world begins to foreshadow the plausibility of possibility. Then we grow for it as we go for it until a few among the many believe we could eventually do part of our dream. When we accomplish the part a few believe in, a few may believe we have no limits. If not, we grab another intermediary step. Then we get a cheering section for what we really want. If we can’t yet believe in a dream, we can come to believe. Thank you Tyler for encouraging that.
I have been saying, “I’m just a _______” (whatever I’m currently doing) for years. Well, really forever. I’m just a kid, a maid, cashier, insurance examiner, mom, student, etc.
Thank you for this message. Maybe it was just for me?
Great post. I find that in the last few months I have lost a lot of belief in myself, probably due to a drop in confidence from not achieving any of my goals, like I used to. Where as before I truly believed I could achieve anything. I know I have to start building back up this confidence and belief to move my life forward.
Thanks again.
Tyler,
Thank you for this article. While it may not be sensational, it is certainly what I needed to be confronted with.
See, I want to become a film composer, but self-defeating thoughts often keep me from taking action. Thoughts like, “With so much competition, only a miniscule number of people make a living in film scoring, and they are the ones who have been eating, breathing, and living music since they were able to hold an instrument. You’re late in the game. You’re just okay, and you don’t have the ambition.”
At the same time, virtually everyone that I know believes in my dream and supports me. People tell me that my music has profoundly touched them, but I shrug it off with thoughts such as, “Eh, they only say that because they haven’t listened to ‘truly’ great music.” Strangers have even been willing to invest in my dream. A young man who worked bagging groceries nearly 4,000 miles away sent me $200 to help me purchase a nice keyboard that was on sale.
Everyone that I encounter cheers me on supports me. It’s almost like some force has been pushing me toward success for years. But then those thoughts come in and I forget how far I’ve come. I look at the seeming, far-off impossibilities rather than the opportunities right in front of my face. Like, how do I make money off of music? Would people actually buy it?
I was falling back in that mindset, but your words inspired me. I’m not exactly sure how to change a mindset that has been deeply ingrained for so many years, but choosing to believe in my dream is a start. Besides, I’m only 19. Maybe I have more time than I have thought?
Thank you again!
Hi Tyler, just LOVED this post!! thanks for reminding us of our own beauty and light and dreams! And than you for daring to be vulnerable and authentic, thus encouraging others to do the same! Love, laughter and gratitude
I really appreciated this article, Tyler.
I use that Henry Ford quote all the time, mostly on myself when I’m in one of those “fake it ’til you make it” situations (and aren’t those some of the most fun/scary/learning/growing/memorable parts of life anyway?)
One of the scariest moments of my life was when I shot a wedding for the first time. Being responsible for capturing important memories made me SO nervous! (What if my camera breaks? What if they don’t like the photos? What if I trip over a candle during the ceremony and set the church on fire??) But I just kept breathing that mantra to myself and everything turned out just fine.
That’s another important thing to remember – situations you get yourself in usually turn out alright, especially when you actively practice learning from them.
Thanks!
Hey there, This was straight from the heart and I really appreciate that. Thanks so much – I enjoyed reading this.
We are only as amazing as what believe ourselves to be. Another great article Tyler!
I can only say thanks for this article. It is just so powerful, because it is true.
I read your articles since I subscribed a while ago, and I thought there wasn’t much I could add or comment.
Untill this one, you know, sometimes we forget that bloggers and writers of content are people too, they are far and we do not know them so since is their job is ok to not comment (that being the “normal” mindset for this).
But there is always another way, and that is the way of sharing what you like, being thankful (in mind and in actions) with everything that contributes to your growth and learning and hapiness (this being the mindset of the internet and new spiritual, growth mindset).
So, finally, Thanks, Tyler, many Thanks.
Thanks for all thoughtful comments, friends. I really appreciate all of you.
From a very mature fan of yours…well said. keep up the good work.
Wonderful words, and moving reminders. Thank you.
Hmm… what an amazing post. Brought tears to my eyes. I have a feeling I know this friend…
Thank you for the reminder and thoughtfulness. We project certain activities that we do in life to our identity, but how we “make our living” is certainly the big one. It’s difficult to melt the identity of the waitress… when you’re out there waitressing and other people only see you for a moment… and perhaps identify you with what you’re doing in the moment, but the truth of the matter is, the people that are mindful and have a higher awareness of things know that you have so much more to offer. People like you. So, again, thank you for being aware that we are more than just what we make a living out of… and writing this post.
I’m sure if you were to see this friend again, she would say… you’re right. I’m a rich human being with much to offer, and even if being a waitress is a humbling experience, I don’t have to be discouraged from following my passions.
Thanks Tyler
I’ve been struggling with this over the last couple years. I can’t tell you how many times I said “It doesn’t matter, nothing will work anyway.” or “there’s no possible way it will happen so who cares,” and things like that.
Benny Hsu just wrote a good article on optimism – I’ve been working on this hard, and seeing some success! Thanks!
This is so spot on. Please don’t ever make this blog into a ‘steps to success’ formula. It’s wonderful & so inspirational just as it is because you allow us the freedom to adapt the principles to our individual circumstances instead of making us feel like we have to do everything exactly lie you did.
It’s so important to value ALL our life experiences, not just the ones that society lauds. For years I’ve been a stay-at-home mum (I’m one of the lucky ones whose husband’s income is large enough to afford this). While I never had any doubt as to the value of doing that, I always felt that I was viewed as unproductive by other people cos I was just sitting at home with kids. And when it came time to get a part-time job, none of my experiences as a mother seemed to count for anything. Fortunately, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time to get a job as a recreational gymnastics coach with on-the-job training which has given me a fresh start in a job I love. There are some who look down on me because it’s not competition gymnastics, but I don’t care. I’m having a ball & learning so much, not only about gymnastics, but also about myself. It was scary at first cos I don’t have any background in gymnastics, & the volume of information was quite overwhelming, but the longer I’m in the job the more confident I feel & the more innovative I’m becoming, & the skills I’m learning often apply to other areas of my life as well.
Nothing in life is ever useless or wasted unless we believe it to be so.
It’s taking me so long, I often lose heart. Thanks for reminding me I’m not my low-wage, low-status survival job.
did you say the end part to her? and why not if you didn’t? I think in the west, we place so much importance over our jobs/titles as if that were Who We Are. I notice in other countries that isn’t emphasized so much. You need to get past that mentality and think of yourself beyond your job description! There is so much potential beyond your day to day job!!!
Trevor…
I don’t believe for one second that this post isn’t going to pull in a lot of good conversation. Regardless, who cares? Paul Simon says that he knows he has written some excellent songs when a newly released CD doesn’t become a top seller. He is now 70+ years old with 50 years of experience under his belt as an artist. It sounds like you have a lot in common with him.
Your message is strong. Although the subject of dreaming, believing in yourself, etc. is being talked a lot about in the blogging world, when you write about it Trevor, you do so in your authentic ‘Trevor’ voice. That’s what gave me pause to take the time to read it thoroughly.
So…as one of your loyal readers (even though I don’t comment a lot), I urge you to continue writing more of these posts.
It has given me a gentle ‘nudge’ to believe in myself and pursue my dreams as I have my morning coffee. Fran
Thanks for writing this. I’m sure many of us have our own internal ending to that sentence: “I’m just a …” It doesn’t reflect reality but we can convince ourselves it does. I needed the reminder to watch what kind of things I believe about who I am as a person.
Well said and please keep up your ‘internal locus of control’ so this blog stays AR!
A friend of mine reminded me recently that Impossible is really I’m Possible!
My internal locus of control needed a boost, Thank you.
I appreciate the humility that this article demonstrated, even from someone (writer of articles) of authority in the area of inspiration and task mastery. It really spoke to me, formerly “just a waitress” and more currently “just a stay at home mom”. I do have those days where that “just” is really big. More recently, however, I’ve been stopping that habitual response when asked what I do and I’ve been saying “many many things”, for this is far closer to the truth for me and I’m sure for all of those “just _____ers” out there. I do need those constant reminders that mindset creates my reality, so I wrote in bold letters on a piece of paper pasted to my wall the Henry Ford quote that you shared.
Well put. Thanks for putting names to behaviors a lot of us have or have noticed others doing.
I will remember this post the next time I slip into one of those behaviors- hopefully!
A lot of people use that “Well I’m just a _____” as a safety net or an excuse not to venture out of their comfort zone.
Great post.
Love this affirmation – I try to use it myself all the time. My parents are angry because with my college degree I’m “just” a barista – but *I* know, even if they don’t care, that I’m working toward more – and that’s fine! The dream may not be reality tomorrow, but it will be someday.
Just for the record, I read all of your articles and this one, long or otherwise was an awesome read as always.
I’m ‘ just a gardener’ but I’m a freelance gardener, with emphasis on the free, I’m good at it and have a long list of clients waiting for my services.
When I read some of your articles and dream of marching to the beat of my own drum, I have to pinch myself to remind myself that I already am. Sometimes I try to think of other things I could do that are less physical to also be my own life director but I love what I do and will continue forth.
Know that your blogs are valued and I personally look forward to each read.
Soldier on Tyler!!!!
Greetings from Australia…..
Kind regards,
Leah
Thank you for many inspiring articles. I try to read them all.
I feel like a 50-year old orphan after burying my father and biggest fan and some of you articles strike a chord in me.
I will be sharing this one with my 14-year old daughter for inspiration.
Peace,
[...] “But I’m Just A Waitress†If you set your mind to something and believe you’re capable of it, you’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. [...]
After participating in a challenge where we had to pay up every time we used “but” and “just” I’ve become very aware of my use of these ‘countering’ words. The either belittle or negate whatever goes before or after them. No one is “just” anything.
Our society has done a masterful job in brainwashing us to think that we’re merely defined by the current way we choose to make money. We’re all so much more than that. Personally, I think it’s a great way to keep everyone thinking small so that the masses are easily controlled.
I used to only think of myself as a finance executive, which is incredibly limiting. Over the past 25 years (especially the last few) I’ve discovered that the possibilities are endless. To that moniker I’ve added blogger, writer, coach, yoga teacher, ranch manager, horse trainer, web site designer, social media marketer, networker, stay-at-home mom, educator (home schooling), wife… I’ve also held other titles like real estate investor and network marketer, both of which I totally sucked at. And with about 60 years left, who knows what else I’ll get into!
With many of these titles, I never thought I was any of them until I started to do them. I’ve spent my life believing I was an awful writer – until I started writing. I didn’t know the first thing about web sites, blogging or social media a couple years ago so I simply jumped in, starting from where I was.
In all of these areas I’ve made lots of mistakes. I acknowledge them, learn the lesson and move on.
Tyler – This is an incredibly important message that everyone needs to hear over and over to reverse society’s and family brainwashing. No one can be happy being “just” anything. Believing that other possibilities exist is the first step.
Thank you
Preach it! The best advice I ever gave myself was telling myself I could be more than “just a receptionist”. Now I’m one year into a graphic design career and I’m happier than ever!
I read this!
And thanks for writing it.
Good read, and great advice. I enjoyed reading your post, and thanks for sharing. The Henry Ford quote puts things into perspective. I have come across it before I think, yet never really paid much attention to it. Very profound words.
Thank you SO much for this article Tyler…
I started my own business this year with help and inspiration from a lot of different sources – including your blog.
Lately, a lot of non-business related things have been causing me to doubt myself. Your article reminded me of the people that do care.
Thank you for your thoughts
‘Believing in yourself’ is obviously the most challenging roadblock to tackle down. When I was in coaching ‘a newbie’ [this is not my own lingo as I never said it to any of my mentoree as newbies but most of the time they WERE said it to either to themselves or others]. I do believe that building a strong and unshakable internal faith about what the nature of a man is should be the first thing to do. More than others I am trying to sweep away the notion as a newbie inside my mentoree mind. And of course this is not an easy job. But it should be done before step to any higher level of coaching. Your articles resemble my own interest. Thank you for sharing this. Definitely will visit this site in the near future. Kudoz! [I like to two guys behind AdsenseFlippers.com who sent me here].
This was definitely a refreshing post, and I made it to the end! Woo hoo. I will say that I totally agree with you. Every time I work with people and they say things like that it reminds me of this Finding Neverland scene – http://youtu.be/k1CmucfqRGY
Thanks so much for another awesome article!
Best,
James
And this is why I read this blog. I agree with everything stated here and always try to implant these notions within those around me, like my parents did with me at an early age. For any one looking for more to read along these lines, check out “Think and Grow Rich” by Napoleon Hill.
Thanks again for your words, Tyler. The timing of your essays are always impeccable!
What’s truly difficult is overcoming the “I’m just a loser” feeling when you’ve made a truly monumental, epic failure. The lose your house, hundreds of thousands of dollars mistake, no way out except moving in with your elderly mother when you’re over 50 type of fail.
As one who is facing this myself, I have a bit of advice. Be very grateful for what you have now, after the disaster. Write it down daily.
If you have a grand dream, take one baby step towards it today.
But in the aftermath of epic failure its doubtful that your mind is capable of dreaming big. You just want the pain to stop.
The cure is to pay attention to your feelings of “I WANT that” when they dare to pop into your consciousness. Honor the small little voice and your stupid, small dreams.
Great post Tyler, thank you very much.
The “i’m just” mentality is a second-cousin of the “be realistic” warnings.
Our well-intentioned (and scared) friends tell us to be realistic, when in reality they’re saying “don’t dream, stay at this level, familiar for you, if you fly, then we’ll stay here and be even more miserable with our lives”.
We need to learn to live with the internal dialog, it will never go away. This post is a great reminder of it.
I love this article, your site, and your way of thinking! More people need to have this kind of mentality, and it’s something I’m always striving for!
I enjoyed reading that.
But wait…you didn’t try to sell me anything! Or I missed it. I’m so at-sea here. Could it be you actually believe what you say?
Hey Tyler, I like your post here! You see most people think that being a nobody means they are nobody for the rest of their life. Maria Carey was first singing in a local bar before she got to star doom. My point is dreams is part of reality. If you believe in your dreams go for it, no matter where it takes you.
When it comes to self-depreciating statements and beliefs, you are your own judge, jury, and executioner–you’re ultimately the only one who can empower yourself.
I loved this post because it resonated so much with me and the way I felt helpless to teach my starving artist friends to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and learn that they’re capable of choosing their own destiny.
If you have a dream, the only way to achieve it is to chase it. Look up from the shadows–hold your head high–and show the world that you can do what you’ve always known you could.
We cannot reach our dreams by merely dreaming… unless you want to be a dreamer. Your essay is so poignant and heartfelt. I have been dealing with this issue most of my life. Self-doubt, claiming to be just a “_____.” But as of late that all is changing. Your words have strengthened my resolve to be anything I want to be. In my journey to become what I want to be, I figured something out. TO BECOME, YOU MUST BE. It’s a process, but if you never take the first step towards your dream then it will never become a reality. The difference between those that become and those that don’t is not because someone is stronger or better. It’s because they decided to take action. They decided that even if they fail, they will get back up and keep at it. It is a journey. We don’t get somewhere simply by wishing we were there, we need to take the steps to reach our destination. It’s one foot in front of the other. Thanks my friend for encouraging me along my journey.
Here’s to pursuit, success and mastery.
I really needed to hear this. Thank you fr writing it.
“But I’m just a waitress” – oh boy , how many times I’ve said that to myself and others. Thank you thank you thank you for reminding me I am many things (including a spectacular waitress- I take great pride in improving peoples’ days with great food, a smile and a joke)