The more you do something, the more you tend to learn about it and the better you get. And the more you learn about something, the more you’re able to inject your own style—your own rules—into it.
When you realize you know better than anyone else what’s best for you and start playing by your own rules in your life, your work, your relationships, the world opens up. What never seemed possible under someone else’s authority is now practically inevitable under your own.
Life is good.
Sometimes, though, you start to learn so much you turn yourself into the new authority. All of a sudden, the way you’ve found is best.
What happened to setting your own rules?
My girlfriend and I both run small businesses. And we both do it in very different ways. This works well, but sometimes we look at the way we work and get some ideas about the way things ought to be done. I love efficiency, so I’ll suggest she stop making certain things and just focus on the ones that sell best. She loves variety and thinks I ought to start selling Advanced Riskology coffee mugs and stationery.
Our opinions work well for ourselves, but they’re not so great when we try to apply them to each other.
If you believe that playing by your own rules is a good philosophy for your life, then it’s important to believe the same applies to others.
This is the double-edged sword of having a life under your own control. If you want others to give up their stake in how you run yours, then you have to give up your stake in how they run theirs.
Gaining control of your own world is a wonderful and liberating thing, but giving it up elsewhere doesn’t always feel as good. It feels risky; it feels uncomfortable. But this is the price you pay to have what you really want. It’s worth being consistent when it comes to your personal philosophy.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking you’re too special. You’re certainly unique, but in the kind of way that everyone else is. When you discover you know a thing or two about something important to you, do what you can to help others take advantage of your knowledge, but don’t set the rules for how they have to use it.
Live and let live, as they say. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but when you allow yourself to truly believe people are unique and capable of making their own best decisions, then giving up control isn’t as hard as it seemed before.
Are you keeping your rules to yourself? Let us know in the comments.
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Image by: REM
Morning, Tyler.
Thanks again for the reminder about non-interference. Question: what age were you when you asked your own parents to “interfere” less?
Your reader,
Carolyn
Hmm… I’m not sure I know how to answer that question. I’ve always been a bit of a contrarian though, so I guess it would be whenever I learned the word “no.”
Tyler,
Thank you! This reflection fits right into my day and the space I am in. In a specific relationship, there has been recent strain, and your words allow me to see why. We both choose unconventional paths, and revel in the freedom of that; yet, your words show me that in my mind I have been applying my “rules” for creating to this relationship and so has he. Yet, as you point out, we create by our own rules (very different styles, very different rules); thus, the sudden strain. I didn’t even realize it, so thank you! Awesome insight:)
Relationships can be tricky things. Best of luck with yours, Joy.
I can see how perhaps selling mugs/stationery isn’t the business you want to be in.
On the other hand, it makes perfect sense to suggest your girlfriend focuses on the items that sell best, and cut items which do not sell.
However, what if she has an ‘emotional’ attachment to the items, and still enjoys
selling them, that counts for something, if profit is not the only goal.
Living life by your own rules is much better, but also brings a lot of outside influences that attempt to drag you down.
Traditional logic says, if you apply for a job, use the traditional channels.
Back in the day when I was a chef, I’d skip using the front door to apply.
I’d head straight to the back door, resume in hand, asking for the person in charge.
After offering to volunteer a day to get my foot in the door, it ALWAYS worked!
It’s hard to say who’s advice fits who because we both have different motivations for our work as well, but I like your chef strategy. Any time you can bypass the gatekeepers, your odds of success go up dramatically.
I agree, gatekeepers can be a real drag to say the least. If your motivations are quite different, then yeah it’s hard to get on the same page.
If you don’t like the received wisdom you’re getting, shop around – you’ll find other, contradictory wisdom, and eventually someone will advise you to do what you wanted to do in the first place.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve put a moratorium on offering free advice unsolicited (except with a heavy “here’s what I would do” caveat, or as a joke). I don’t always stick to this rule, but it has improved my relationships x1000.
I’m not sure if you intended it, but the point you just made pretty clearly shows why asking for advice at all is often not that helpful.
Many times, you don’t really want advice so much as reassurance. So, you keep asking and ignoring until someone just tells you what you want to hear.
Such a great point about asking and ignoring until someone just tells you what you want to hear.
I find it hard to draw the ling sometimes of when you need to take someones advice and shove it. Especially when they sound like they have good ideas.
Example: i work with several biz coaches online to get clarity. One coach i worked with told me it was a bad idea to do something. I tried to take head of her advice but something in me told me she was wrong. It just didn’t make sense. I tried to implement one of her changes and everything just fell apart. I didnt feel like it meshed well with my audience.
I’m not sure if i made the right choice or not. At the time, i realy doubted my decision but i the end i went with my gut. But i still wonder.
Tyler,
This is solid to hear. With getting a start in the challenging online, I have had to really beef up my confidence and speak my mind.
Sometimes I worry I speak it a little too much… maybe tell people to go after their dreams a little too much.
I trust people will tell me to fuck off though or realize that I’m me and they are them.
And listen to feedback from those I trust.
Well, there’s responsibility on both sides of the equation. One is to not think you know what’s best for everyone else, and the other is to not think that anyone else knows best for you!
I found that after getting to the point that I was qualified to set my own rules for myself, looking to others to set the rules for me out of laziness left me feeling unfulfilled and stagnant. Once you CAN set the rules, it becomes imperative that you do so, at least for your own life.
“If you believe that playing by your own rules is a good philosophy for your life, then it’s important to believe the same applies to others.”
This also applies to what I call ‘interpretations of reality’: Everyone has a right to show their own interpretation of reality, and no one has a right to interpret reality for others.
For the record, if I didn’t live on the road, I’d totally buy an AR coffee mug. Just sayin’.
Ha. Thanks for the vote of support, Chad.
Unless I am asked, I keep my rules to myself.
Good observation Tyler. Especially for people who have a common, super important “project” like…kids!