“Just pick something,” they say. “It’s not life or death.”
Well, actually it is. Every decision you make is life or death. Every single one leads to one result or the other – even the seemingly insignificant ones.
When you decide to do something you love, you choose to live. When you decide to do something you don’t, you choose to die. It really is that simple.
Life is filled with daily decisions and lots of them are tied to these things we call responsibilities. Nothing wrong with that, really, as long as those are things that actually bring you to life. It’s easy to see responsibilities as a kind of burden – something we agreed to do a long time ago and now we’re stuck with it – but they can be rejuvenating and life affirming as well.
Big Little Decisions
I’ve given myself the responsibility to publish a new article here twice a week. I have a whole list of things I feel responsible to accomplish that give me plenty of joy. When I get an email from you, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to answer it the best I can. Doing that makes me really happy.
Every day I decide to keep up with those responsibilities and my life is drastically better because of it.
I know this because sometimes I slip up and pass on an opportunity to get closer to my dreams or an email goes unanswered. When that happens, I can feel a real tug in my heart like I’ve missed something valuable. Like I decided not to live in favor of doing something else that doesn’t bring me happiness.
On the other hand, life is also filled with unwanted responsibilities – things we accidentally agreed to that drain our energy and do nothing but take us one step closer to the grave.
I’ve committed to jobs I didn’t actually want to do. I’ve agreed to help people with things I have no business helping them with. I’ve even committed myself to stupid little things like reading books that I hated because I’d already bought them and didn’t want to “waste the money.”
The Big Secret
Here’s the thing. Life is filled with all kinds of stuff that’s available to you in limitless quantity, but time isn’t one of them.
Every time you decide to do something that drains your energy instead of brings you life, you’re choosing to die instead of live.
It may seem like an insignificant decision, but do it too many times and you end up with a lot of regrets at the end. These things compound.
So what if today, instead of choosing to die, you chose to live instead? What if you blew off that unnecessary responsibility and found a new one that actually made you happy?
What would happen?
- Would you die?
- Would you go to jail?
- Would your family disown you?
If you can answer no to those three questions, it’s probably in your best interest to go ahead and do it.
All or Nothing?
Sure, we can’t get away from everything we dislike about life, but that’s okay; a little bit of tension is what makes it worth living. There is no sweet without the contrasting sour. The goal is to slowly tip the scale towards life instead of death.
I suppose if I wanted to be morbid, I could say that, yes, we’re all slowly dying, but wouldn’t you rather live a little on your way there?
I know my answer.
So what do you think? How can you start making more decisions to live? Let me know in the comments.
~~~~~
Image by Elkedearest
I don’t know if you remember me from my email, but last week I decided to drop out of the high-stress, wealth-oriented college that I was attending and I’m going home this Tuesday to have some free time.
I’d like to just ride my bike for the heck of it without having to get to class on time, so that is something I’ll do. I’m also going to read the Lord of the Rings and possibly learn to play guitar. (Because I can!!)
I couldn’t justify staying somewhere I was unhappy. Your blog along with a few other “learn to live” type blogs and my religious holdings helped push me to make this decision, so I’d like to thank you.
That’s great Kami, and of course I remember.
I’m really glad you’re moving in a direction that makes you happy. Taking some time to relax can really clear the mind and refocus it on the important.
And I’m definitely happy that this site helped motivate you, but don’t forget – you’re the one who made the decision. Look forward to hearing what comes next for you.
Good stuff [as usual] Tyler.
My only problem with this mentality, is it tends to freeze people into a state of paralysis. Instead of making a decision, when faced with such high stakes [like life or death], they choose instead to do nothing. In my opinion, it’s much better to act & recover well, then never act at all because you’re constantly analyzing things.
I know that’s a little different vein than what you’re exactly talking about here, but I thought it was [hopefully] worthwhile to mention. Keep it up Tyler!
I get what you’re saying, Joel and that’s a good point. What I’m trying to say is yes, you need to make a decision and get on with it, but also remember that every little decision really is important. They add up over time.
Agreed.
Random Idea for you: You should do one of those charts with a baseline & 1 degree variation and extrapolate it over time & show the huge difference in the end.
p.s. when is the gravatar gonna get the moustache?
That would be a great visual aid!
To decide not to decide is to choose death by drowning in your own dilemma, to neither choose to reach out for the divine, nor choose to default on the present opportunity. It is suicide by lukewarm, wishy-washy, disemboweled mediocrity.
The theme song for M.A.S.H. is ‘suicide is painless’…but life, and choices are pain. In the words of Wesley from Princess Bride, “Life is pain. Anyone that tells you differently is either lying to you, are trying to sell you something.”
To life is to choose some sort of pain – growth pains, or death pains…but the beauty of life is that we have the right to choose, and if we choose ‘unwisely’, we have the freedom to choose how it will affect our outlook on life itself.
Thanks for this article!
I never would have thought M.A.S.H or Princess Bride could have made their way into the conversation here, but I’m sure glad they did. Thanks Christine.
What you say is true. Saying “life is pain” feels like, well, a bit of a downer, but it’s true, you either experience growing pains…or you die.
Growing pains are the ones we look back on and say, “Yeah, that was worth it.”
This is a great post. I like thinking of our decisions as “life or death,” because it makes me picture myself in some kind of Lord of the Rings-esque adventure (and, really, isn’t that how life should be seen?)
“Life is filled with all kinds of stuff that’s available to you in limitless quantity, but time isn’t one of them.”
EXACTLY! Our time is the currency of life. Whenever we choose to spend our time in less meaningful ways, we are spending away our life (choosing death).
Awesome post. I look forward to reading more in the future!
Thanks Steven. I’m on board with anyone that can turn life into a Lord of the Rings style adventure.
I love this blog because it makes me feel like less of a crazy person.
I am in the process of looking for a job as a cocktail waitress so that I can abandon my decent paycheck, awful work environment, horrifying commute and career I was never meant to be part of. I want my days free to write and to work on some entrepreneurial ideas.
It took 12 years of sitting at a desk all day for me to figure out the fact that I hate working in an office. I always thought it was the job itself. Until I changed jobs and one year in I was again feeling this dread an claustrophibia at the thought of walking into the building in the morning.
I’ve been putting a lot of time into working out my options and I decided that the the money is not worth the stress and unhappiness. And that the longer I keep devoting my days to someone else’s dream the longer it will take for me to get around to mine.
No one here but us psychos.
It all reminds me of a quote from one of my all time favorite movies:
“It’s time to get busy living; or get busy dieing”
Like you said, life rarely presents you with one momentous decision that will change your life forever (though they can happen)
It is usually a sad series of little deaths or little energizing and enlightening choices. Of course the idea is to pick a hell of a lot more of the latter than the former
Exactly, Steve.
And I assume you’re referring to Shawshank Redemption? Everyone’s got a movie/tv/book reference today. What gives!?
I like your article.
I share with you a personal exemple.
I took a very bad desicion buying a home in Tucson AZ, as you can imagine I am paying the cosequences and the price is very high! Fortunately I am in good health.
That’s a big one, Leticia. We can’t get ‘em all right, so learning and moving on is the best we can do. And thank God for good health. At the end of the day, that’s all we truly own.
I agree with this article, Tyler. You gots to seize the day cos they’re all running out! There’s many cliches I could say, like “this is your life, and it’s ending one day at a time” but essentially all we need to recognise is that sometimes you have to let something die in order for something to live. Shed the things that are weighing you down and stopping you from progressing and moving forward, and say YES to making time for things that enrich your life and are important to you. Choose LIFE!
That’s a good way to put it, Katie. If something unimportant is weighing you down, it’s better to just let it die and move on than to try to drag it around forever.
OK, now this is making me think (I hate when that happens!). I’ve been thinking about finding a way to get away from the 9-5 and toward a freelance editing life. But reading this made me realize that it would just be going from frying pan to fire; the material I edit is done just to make money, not because I’m enthralled by the content (though I pick up some grammar points here and there editing ESL texts). I’m still looking for that passion–that “thing” that makes me want to jump out of bed and say, Wow! I get to do this today. And I have no idea what that is…
That’s interesting you mention that because I’m actually writing about that right now for a future article. Stay tuned!
In keeping with what is apparently “Movie Reference Monday” here at AR after readign this I instantly thought of the classic scene from The Matrix between Neo and Morpheus where he offers Neo the choice between 2 pills, a red one and a blue one. The blue pill symbolizes everything you think you know, it’s fitting in, it’s the familiar, the status quo, it’s a life of ignorance and lack of meaning. The red pill on the other hand is risky, it’s filled with questions and unknowns, it forces us down the path of seeking the truth and meaning in our lives. I recently took the red pill and am embarking on a great adventure overseas with my family. I’m going to find out how deep that rabbit hole goes. I decided it was important to live a little on my way to the grave. Good stuff to always be thinking about Tyler.
Good luck on that adventure, Matt. And thanks for keeping Movie Reference Monday alive.
Hey Tyler!
I’ll keep up Movie Reference Monday going here at AR by posting a pretty famous warning:
“Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don’t you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can’t think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you’re supposed to read? Do you think every thing you’re supposed to think? Buy what you’re told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned- Tyler. ”
To quote someone else: “I quote others only the better to express myself.”
Awesome post, man. Tone it down a bit in the coming weeks, will you?
Never.
WOW the timing! I’ve spent today in a state of BLAH because I have to go back to the office tomorrow. I cannot stand what I’m doing. Your post made me cry because I know I am just slowly dying inside. Not sure what options I have to generate the income I’ve got now, but something’s gotta give. Thanks!
Hey Kim. Hang in there. We’ve all been there and no matter how good things get, the problem doesn’t ever completely go away.
I wouldn’t worry too much about figuring out the big questions right now; I’d work on slowly but surely changing direction.
Great!
i read your article its great,
some times life takes so much of us till
v realize ” ohhhhhhhhh it was not what i wanted
to do in life ” and v end up disappointed n compromised………..
i ve experienced this……… but i have changed my mind i ve decieded to live
i keep telling myself its never too late……
i m on my way to discover what really makes me happy n makes me live…………
Hey Tyler,
I have sort of been away from this site for a while because things have been crazy busy for me. But I decided to get back into the swing of things in reading your site, starting with this article. I’m sure this has already been mentioned in any of the posts up ahead of me, but you’re right. Every decision does count. You asked in your article, how can you make better decisions, tipping the scales towards life instead of death. Personally, I just have a list of things I do on a daily basis that bring me happiness. And these things vary enough from career related, to health, to gaining more knowledge to fun. I ended into this system by reading your work, and really pondering on what makes life worth living. That being said, I love it. I love this system of constantly chipping away at what I hope to make a very marvelous and prosperous life.
I know I’m rambling, but if I can sum it up, I’ll just say:
GIVE YOURSELF ENOUGH VARIETY IN THE DECISIONS THAT YOU CAN MAKE ON A DAY TO DAY BASIS.
Your brain loves novelty, and keeping a variety of decisions that promote “life” over “death” can make the decisions FAR FAR easier to make because they don’t get boring.
Sincerely,
Manu Gopinath
Hey Tyler, I really enjoyed this article. It reminded me of something an older friend said to me a while back, he said “Jules, if you’re gonna make a mistake, make it while you’re young, you’ve got plenty of time to recover.” I think it’s easy for those of us in our quarter life crisis to feel like inaction is ok, when in reality, it’s likely better to take the leap and if you fall on your face, pick yourself back up and move on.
Remaining stagnant is more detrimental than failure, at least with failure you have the opportunity to learn. Your (AR) overall philosophy reminds me of a quote that has stuck with me for years by Guillaume Apollinaire…
“Come to the edge he said,”
“We are scared” they replied
“Come to the edge he said”
They came, he pushed them…and they flew.
Great post – and just so I can join in here are a couple of reasonably apt quotes from one of my favourite movies EVER:
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
“I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life.”
“Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
Thanks for this spot-on post, Tyler. Just this morning, I had this profound realization that I’ve basically set my whole life up to rob me of time to do the things I love the most, like being in nature, reading, etc. I have this sick compulsion to volunteer to do things that I later realize I don’t really want to do at all. Sometimes things that really stress me out and make me irritable. It’s like I have this insane need to join everything and organize everything, etc. etc. This is really sucking alot of the joy out of my life. The next time I feel the urge to submit a proposal to present at a meeting, or to sign up to help with an event, I’m going to remember that it’s really a life or death choice and I need to be sure what I do only contributes to greater energy and life for me, not less!
hi tyler – haven’t checked the responses to this post – if anyone made the comment i’m about to make. nevertheless, i read your post monday and shared it with a friend at work who has felt “stuck”; he was inspired. then yesterday i was listening to the terry gross interview of james franco. during the “howl” movie discussion, there was as soundbite about j.franco (as a.ginsberg) and ginsberg’s dr. hicks (transcript over here). give it a quick read or listen. it reminded me of your post – all in a good way. for ease, i guess i’ll cut/paste the portion that caught my attention -
And Dr. Hicks kept saying, what do you want to do? What is your heart’s desire? So, finally I said, well, what I’d really like to do is to just quit all this and get a small room with Peter and devote myself to my writing and contemplation and (BEEP) and smoking pot and doing whatever I wanted.
He said: Why don’t you do it, then? I mean, what’ll happen if I grow old and I have pee stains in my underwear, and I’m living in some furnished room, and nobody loves me, and I’m white-haired and I have no money and bread crumbs are falling on the floor? And he said, ah, don’t worry about that. You’re very charming and lovable, and people will always love you.
What a relief to hear that. I very soon realized that it was all a fear trap, just illusory.
thanks again for a wonderful post!
Those words I needed to hear badly, I’m graduated from university and achieved my goal and I got most things I wished to have but the word “responsibility” freak me out.. I don’t know why I became very lazy person, I’m afraid to do anything useful or something to make me alive.. after graduate my friends who used to motive me aren’t close like before and my family members are living on their own world.
I hate being like that and I really know that inside me there is a person who want to make difference and wanna be happy achieving good stuff.. whenever this part come outside for a few hours, I return doing useless stuff and killing the hope of living once more.. I feel as If I’m fighting myself
which is harder than fighting enemies..!
I wish I can live responsible without fear and experience your feelings of joy.
Hmmm…finally got around to reading this post and now I’m wondering if it’s time to default on my student loans after having them be a millstone around my neck for the last twenty years. I won’t die or go to jail and nobody will be hurt by it…the damn banks made their money back already. Now they’re just keeping me as an interest slave.
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